Cynthia Ng'ang'a
Nairobi

Cyn the Kenyan Wordsmith

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Don’t you dare bathe

By on December 13, 2018

BABE

Online

Hey babe…. I miss you.√√

                                               I miss you too…so much how’s London?√√

It’s cold…too cold without you√√

I’m coming on Friday next week√√     

                                                              Come quickly I’ll warm you up.(naughty wink)√√

I can hardly wait…..oh and by the way don’t bathe from today

You know I like it when you stink (kisses)√√

                                                                                          Typing…..

It’s two days later and I’m still typing. I mean what is the correct reply to that? He is asking me not to bathe for a whole week! I live almost right on the equator and so the equatorial hot, baking, fiery, African sun that burned our skins so we became black shines directly upon me and he is asking me not to bathe? I’ve heard of people with weird fetishes; calling their mates mom as the are doing the deed (eew creepy), bringing in their pets to watch, wanting their mates to dress up as birds or animals, all sort of crazy weird things but this, this takes the crown. And guess what I actually like it. As women we’ve been brought up thinking cleanliness should be our second name. What kind of woman does not bathe everyday (some even say twice like my writing idol Jackson Biko). He seems to have such a big problem with women who don’t bathe twice in a day well; in your face Biko some great men actually like when their women don’t bathe and some great women never used to bathe!

Napoleon Bonarpate.

I actually copied the idea of the text message from him. It is what he’d be doing if he was alive today because during the ancient times when he lived, he’d send a message to his wife Josephine, as he prepared to go home after a voyage, not to bathe. I guess it used to go like this: “Tell the lady of the house my sweet Josephine that thy master is coming home and  no water should touch her graceful silky skin. Tell her that whence I arrive I shall want to smell her sweet stinky odour of five moons lest I shall cast my garments on the ground and tear down our palace on chariots back( because back then people were dramatic like that.)

Queen Elizabeth 1:

She used to bathe once a month. ( I can see the cringe on your faces and the wrinkles on your nose. Haha and people still had to bend low — I’m stressing on the low — before her.

I bet some boarding school matrons are turning in their graves as I write this but this blog is called the defiant for a reason;we defy the norms. So to all those young girls being told how dirty women don’t get husbands do not accept to be cheated. They do get husbands; powerful ones and guess what? The girls themselves become queens!  Okay, okay before I am eaten alive by some cleanliness spirit some clean woman is summoning somewhere in her spick and span bathroom, I’ll admit that it is completely appalling to stay next to someone with dreadful body odour. You pinch your nose and decide that you’d rather breathe with your mouth than keep up with this Nazi-like torture of the nose buds (taste buds, nose buds…get it? Wait…or is it smelling buds?) but then you realise you are inhaling the horrid air unfiltered and so you get off that matatu at Kasarani and walk all the way to town looking for a chemist that will give you dawa za minyoo, antibiotics, anti amoeba, and a full body cancer check up without asking too many questions. So, yes it is important to have body hygiene but it doesn’t have to be exaggerated;

Everyday shower routine for Mrs. Don’t Come Close To Me If You Dont Shower One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty Five Times In An Year.

Tools: bucket, shower,  2 solid soaps dettol and lux, 2 shower gels;Imperial leather and Nivea for Men, dettol antiseptic, four bathing towels; face, body, legs and the nunu (as if legs and the nunu are separate from the body or I’m sorry do you pluck them out like a zombie? You do have somethings in common you know, like the deficiency of they grey matter because you scrubbed yours away like, “Eew what is this disgusting porridge like thing between my ears?)

Duration: 2hrs 30 minutes

Electricity plus water bill: $23572537309529232.00

All that and the words that come from her mouth stink worse than a sewage, why don’t we add some mouthwash to the tools?

Its basically cleaning the outside of the cup while the inside is dirty. So grab that jamaa soap and a quarter full bucket of water, three minutes and then dedicate the rest of the time to being gentle, tolerant and kind to others. Those are the only bathing towels that will reach the heart otherwise as the rest of you sparkles, your dark heart will be there, glaring like a huge stain on an otherwise pretty dress.

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4 Comments
  1. Reply

    Oscar

    December 15, 2018

    Always fruitful n gifted
    Supper defiant

  2. Reply

    Winrose Wanjiru Gitonga

    December 17, 2018

    At last their is someone who agrees with me on how clean I am especially because I bathe once a day(or once in two…) But if I don’t have much to do or anywhere to go, why should I shower?

    • Reply

      Word smith

      January 16, 2019

      Atta girl!! That’s the way to go

  3. Reply

    Kellymn

    January 21, 2019

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